Thoughts on Life

I don’t mean to sound bitter, but maybe I am. I’m bitter that I’m single. I’m bitter that I’m a nice guy and always seem to finish last. That the girl I think is gorgeous, thinks I’m a freak because I become speechless and nervous in front of her. I’m bitter that guys that don’t care one way or another end up taking those girls home because they can. I’m bitter that I’ve always been called such a good “catch” except for the people I pursue. I’m bitter that my confidence is at an all time low. That I’ve been hurt and shot down a LOT the past 4 years, and I’m still reeling from it. I’m bitter that I’m alone in a hotel room after a wedding. That being said, I’m bitter and yet very blessed. I shouldn’t complain, but it’s just how I feel sometimes.

Finally. Silence.

That overcame the noise.

It didn’t have a choice, but to be still.

We listen close but often don’t hear

like factories, the machines are our ears,

churning out chaos and confusion

all the while presuming

that we were meant for more than here.

Finally. Silence.

It echoes, deafening and leaves us with

awkward and uncomfortable instances

we’re not used to living like this.

We squirm and move as if to say

“there’s something missing in this empty space”

but if we’d STOP. we’d realize

the silence has been there this whole time.

It’s not something we can see or touch

yet it’s something felt by all of us

and in this life that screams of violence

we hear the inner voice:

Finally.

Silence.

I want to write a song. I feel like there are thousands of them inside of me, but the hard part is organizing them. I’ll start on that tomorrow.

I really enjoy New Years Eve. Not because I go out to a bunch of parties and stuff like that, but because of MY tradition. Every new years eve I grab my notebook and journal. Reflect on the previous year, and what I expect out of the coming year! I always write down 25 things I want to do in the next year. Here are a few that I accomplished this year:

8. Go Fishing

17. Write a song for somebody.

20. Try a new restaurant.

6. Buy a new guitar.

12. Stay up all night.

It’s something I’ve done for a few years and I love doing it. It gives me an opportunity to break out of the mundane sometimes. It gives me permission to live a little. So whether you make things NOT to do, or (like me) make things to do, live a little in 2011.

Happy New Years!

I’m learning Michael Jackson’s “Beat it” on the acoustic guitar,  simply because that riff is one of the best ever. Maybe I’ll record it, and maybe I’ll put it up here. You never know.

I love finding new music because it’s like bumping into a friend you haven’t seen in years. At least that’s what it’s like to me. It’s like something new has been revealed, and I say to myself, “That’s what’s been missing.” Granted, not ALL new music does this, but the really good stuff does. AND if the band/artist has like 5 previous CDs?? That’s the best. It’s like finding buried treasure, except buried treasure doesn’t speak to your soul. And new music speaks to mine.

well, that was a bust. Back to the drawing board.

Okay, so the girl that I’m interested in has a blog. and I read it. I sort of feel like I’m cheating because I get glimpses into her life without ever really talking to her about those situations. It’s strange. Don’t get me wrong, we’re friends and we talk fairly frequently, but I can’t just say, “Oh hey, I read your blog last night! What was that about!?” I’m torn.

On the one hand, I kind of like knowing what she’s thinking about/going through.

On the OTHER hand, I’d rather have her tell me that stuff in person. Problem is she doesn’t tell me. She seems guarded for some reason.

I’ve tried countless times to blatantly show her that I’m interested and either she’s not interested or she’s not getting it. I want to find out which one is which. I’m probably just going to end up telling her how I feel. Life’s too short not to take risks, right? Right.

I don’t ever really blog. I probably should more often, but it just takes so. much. time. and honestly? I don’t have time for it. Also, I think to myself ” why would anyone care about what I have to say?” so I just don’t do it.

But lately I have something to blog about. Girls.

I don’t understand them at all. Please, someone try to explain to me how every girl says they want a nice guy that will treat them right and be there for them, blah blah blah. Except when one shows up, it’s like…”oh well, when I said that, I didn’t necessarily mean you.”

Screw that.

And I know that ALL girls aren’t like this, but it seems the ones I show interest in, ARE like that. and I’m honestly tired of it. It sucks putting yourself out there over and over again only to be told you’re nice, you’re just not what they’re looking for.

I’m not trying to complain because my life is SO good. I just wish girls weren’t so confusing all the time.